Monday, October 22, 2012

Hard-Knock Life

Well, I'm not having a great day. The unfortunate thing about my agreement with myself that I write weekly is that sometimes - as Sarah Michelle Gellar-as-Christina Aguilera once said - I ain't feelin' it. But I fear that if I stop writing once a week, my readers will all leave me (both on the internet and in life, obviously). So while I'm not in my funnest of moods, it's been a week, the clock is up, and I'm due another post. So apologies in advance for the (relative) downer this week. And if this is your first time reading my blog, uh skip this week and read older ones first. I mean it. Cause I'm usually way more funny - and even occasionally charming.

So while it was kitschy fun at first, this unemployment thing is really wearing thin. And while I love things that are thin*, I'm starting to devolve into an insane cat lady. Remember the cats I wrote about last week? The ones I was getting used to? They are now my minions. Oh yes, Buster and Lucille are now my best and only friends, considering their mom (a.k.a. my roommate) actually has a job and is gone most of the time. At first it was they, the cats, who were excited to be friends with me. Buster would climb into my lap and nuzzle up, falling asleep on me. Lucille would leap onto my bed while I was laying down and start sucking on my ear.**

*Especially when the thin thing is me - former fat child, remember.
**What a little pervert.

Thinking they were obsessed with me - cause who wouldn't be - I began to become attached to them because one of my favorite qualities in others is loving me. "These cats just love me", I told myself, knowing that since somebody thought I was cool I was therefore cool, because that's how coolness works, right? RIGHT? So getting comfortable with them, I began to enjoy picking up Buster and squeezing him while saying, "little fatty! You little fat man!" Or scooping up Lucille and puppeteering her little arms around and making her dance. I laughed as I jabbed them (lightly!) in the stomach with the remote control and watched as they flailed confusedly.

Long story short the cats aren't so into me anymore. I know, I'm shocked too.* Apparently they don't love being physically assaulted with regularity. This would not be as disconcerting as it is if I had a job or, say, anyone else to love me talk to. I had two job interviews last week, both for ACT/SAT tutoring positions. See, despite my lack of maturity, I do very well on standardized tests. One interview was over the phone, and one over Skype. The Skype interview asked for business attire. The fun thing about doing an interview over Skype is that you can do your whole interview with no pants on! Dress shirt, suit jacket, no pants, ahthankyou


A friend wondered how that worked, so I almost texted her a picture of me in the dress top-half, no-pants bottom-half, but then it suddenly felt too close to sexting and I got very uncomfortable. The point is, going pantsless in a situation like that is really fun, not because you're not wearing pants, but rather because the other party doesn't know you're not wearing pants. It's these little moments of secretly pulling one over on someone else that make life special, don't you agree? Anyway, if you can have a conversation with someone wherein you can be pantsless and they won't know a thing about it, I highly recommend it. It is so choice.

Unfortunately, I was rejected from the first job, and woke up this morning to an e-mail telling me I was rejected from the second. A lovely gut-punch to start the morning. I had hoped (against my better judgment) that maybe this would work out and I could breathe easy for a little bit. Oh well. I pulled out my laptop and started pulling up more Craig's List job postings, pouring through them - office listings, marketing jobs, temp work - until I felt completely full of dread, sick to my stomach, and had to stop. I just suddenly felt a part of an endless monotonous drift towards a life with no excitement. I had a vision of the future, That's So Raven-style, only instead of seeing myself falling into a cake or dressed up as old lady like Raven usually does, I saw myself not working or worse, working at a job that I cared noting about and fulfilled me in no way, coming home every night and watching TV, nothing gratifying, nothing to look forward to, and nothing to feel good about until the day I die.




...comedy? COMEDY?

So we come back to the beginning of this post. Sorry to be a bummer, but I still just haven't quite shaken this blue feeling. I could really use a Pumpkin pie. Like, an entire pie - I've eaten an entire pumpkin pie in a day before, and I'm not afraid to do it again, okay? Don't push me. But, y'know, I guess not every day can be bells and whistles and laugher and comedy. I'll be fine later, I'm sure. It's not like I'm looking for a career right now; I'd just like to pay my rent. And besides, all this REALLY DEEP PAIN and pathos are really giving me material. Oh yeah, these are really the hard knocks.

You guys, I think when something actually bad happens I'm probably not going to hold up that well. Just a hunch.

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