The Click is a Lie

I was going to start this post - since it somewhat gets into the genuine, scary depths of my crazy - with my traditional apology for being semi-serious this week (especially since last week wasn't exactly an upper). But I've decided to officially retire the "sorry that I'm being not hilarious this week" intro permanently. I just figure that A) if you're here reading, you're at the very least mildly interested in my thoughts, and like any person they're not always chipper and B) I may be crazy, but I don't think I'm the only person in the world who's gone down spiraling down the crazy thoughts rabbit hole; so maybe someone out there will find this relatable.

Or maybe no one does and I'm an anxiety-ridden nutbag. One of the two, definitely. Either way, like Hannah Horvath before me, I'm going to write a blog that exposes all of my vulnerabilities to the entire internet.*

*Having said that, I'm shooting for something more light-hearted NEXT week, don't you fret. If this is your first time with us, go ahead and check out some of the early posts. I'm sometimes funny, I'm told.

For the last six months or so, I'd had a plan for the near future. Having a plan is fun, because it's a way to trick your brain into thinking you have any control over or sense of what the future holds. It keeps you from losing your mind the way you would if you spent every second going, "WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN? WHAT WILL BECOME OF ME?" I'd applied to a couple grad school programs in California, and been contacted by one of them to do an interview. This was certainly encouraging, though I wasn't putting too much stock into it. I don't even know that grad school is what I want to do - getting a creative degree doesn't even guarantee you success, and grad school is hella expensive. To top it all off, I'm not even certain the area of study is even what I want to do with my life.

But those concerns aside, the plan was the plan, and I was happy to go along with it and not feel completely lost in the world.* Fall: move to California. A plan, a plan. Last week, the aforementioned educational institution contacted me to let me know that they actually would not like me to come in for that interview and that also they would not like me to come in ever in any way shape or form. Yes, in addition to the interview being rescinded, I was informed I was not accepted into the program. The reason it stung is because I had been asked for the interview; I felt like a child who'd been offered candy, suddenly considered eating the candy and started to like the sound of it, then suddenly had the candy torn away. And then his parents got hit by a bus or something, I don't know. The point is, it didn't feel good. This all was on top of the generally unfun current state of my life - all work, no play. Like, seriously - I have no social life, I don't do anything creatively fulfilling... I just go to that damn office all day.

*Baseball and deluding ourselves - the two national pastimes. 

So later on, I was half-watching the season premiere of Smash. Before you make fun of me, know that I have my reasons; firstly, as someone who enjoys being part of the critical conversation about TV, Smash is show that comes up a lot, and I like seeing things for myself so I can have my own opinion. Second, it's a show I only need to half-watch so I can do other, more important things while it's on.* At some point during the episode, some of the young characters went to a party at someone's Brooklyn apartment. I suddenly got sad. It was a bunch of young, creative people in a great city having fun** and enjoying themselves. I wanted that. I wanted to feel excited. "Maybe I should move to New York", I thought.

*By important things, I of course mean looking at stuff on the internet. Because I am nothing if not an exemplary couch potato.
**What is this thing you call fun?

I think it speaks to how deep my longing must be that a thin, barely interesting scene of young people sort of having mild fun from the TV show "Smash" was all it took to snap me. Clearly, I may have been fragile to begin with. Because with that tiny thought - "Maybe I should move to New York" - the plan (location, career path) I'd been sitting on for six months just evaporated. Gone in a second; like being outside in Chicago winter and suddenly having your clothes disintegrate - the protection is no more. The bottom fell out and I suddenly began to free fall. Hollowed out completely, I went to go lay down, my mind racing:

Oh (lowercase g) god - maybe that plan wasn't even the right plan. There are six million different plans... what do I do? If that wasn't the right plan, what is the right plan? What am I doing with my life? What should I do next? I need to move, I need to get out of here; I need a new start*. I feel like somewhere there's a fun, exciting, creatively fulfilling life and I'm missing it. I'm wasting my life away doing nothing worthwhile, and someday I'm going to be old and full of regret**. I think other people are living the life I want to live and I hate them, I'm just jealous and angry and sad, and that's not very becoming so I hate myself for being so petty. I want to tear my skin off and combust and be a whole new awesome person and fly away somewhere and start something. A new version of my life - life 2.0. I feel like I've spent years and years now just being lost. I'm tired.

*My mind suddenly became fixated on the need to move - for some reason, in my brain moving meant an amazing exciting life. Because that's TOTALLY how that works.
**And REALLY gross-sounding coughs.

There's this constant hum, always buzzing inside of me, this worry that time is running out by the second. That I'm not there yet, that there's still more work to do.

"What do you want?" my friend Andrew texted me. "Like, what would make you happy?"

Belonging somewhere. Contributing something. Feeling like I'm a part of something and that I matter or I make things better, and that I'm not wasting my potential and all these big things I hope for myself aren't a joke, because maybe I genuinely am special or something. The thought of never amounting to anything... it makes my skin crawl, it makes me sick. What a disappointment I turn out to be.

And then also, of course, I have tons of cool, awesome friends who I'm constantly doing cool, exciting things with, and we go over to each other's places and laugh and laugh because we're just. so. cool. Obviously.

"But, like, what specifically would you?"

Well, if I knew that I probably wouldn't be freaking out, would I? That's the problem. I wish I knew exactly where I supposed to go, because then I would just go there. I wouldn't be constantly tearing my hair out feeling like I'm not finding this place I'm supposed to be. I don't know what it is, but I'd like to actually spend my days doing something, anything that uses my intelligence and skill. I'd be way saner if I knew exactly what it was, because I'd know what I'm shooting for and I wouldn't feel so adrift. I don't know, writing maybe, working in TV or film or even writing about pop culture, or blogging or really just working in any field REMOTELY adjacent to ANYTHING I like or have to offer. At my job I'm constantly made to feel like an idiot, but I am, in fact, NOT an idiot. Maybe I'm not meant to be involved in TV. Maybe I'm going to pull a Single White Female on David Sedaris and write short essays. But I know I feel pointless and like I'm wasting the few good qualities that I have.

The future is so vast, so empty, so enormous that staring into it strikes fear into my heart. That hum starts, and I feel like I can't breathe because I'm just nowhere near the place I need to get to, and oh yeah, I don't even know where that place is so good lucking finding it. I'm trying to steer the ship in the right direction but it's like I don't even know what directions are. It feels so horrible, like I have this knot in my stomach all the time. Sometimes, I think it would be easy to just give up and stop fighting it, to stop thinking about my future and how ambiguous it is. I see people in my office who've settled comfortably into numbness*, and I think that might be nice - to stop thrashing against the waves of the water and just float and let the waves push you along.

*In a moment of weakness and daydreaming, I imagined taking a chair and smashing out the window of my 35th floor office, shouting goodbye forever to the office, and taking off flying into the horizon, the air rushing past my face. I said, smiling to my co-worker, "What if someone just blasted through one of the windows and flew away? Can you imagine? What would you even do?" She took a moment. "I'd pray." She said.

My roommate tried to tell me this is just part of being in your twenties, but I think that's a lie. Several of my co-workers are in their thirties, and if anything, i've learned that your thirties are just more twenties*, so we're all just fucked, aren't we? Is this it forever? Is all of life actually spent just scrambling around, grasping at anything that seems like happiness? If so, boy, was I lied to. My whole life I was led to believe that at some point you figure things out and you click and life settles in and things will be okay.

*The thirties are the sequel to the twenties, tentatively titled "Twenties 2: Electric Boogaloo", coming in spring of 2014 from TriStar Pictures.

But the click is a lie. And ninety percent of my anxiety is because I want that click, I'm waiting for that click, and I feel wrong - deeply wrong - for not feeling that click... the click of security, of certainty, of confidence, of whatever it is I feel like I'm missing and am searching for. Of knowledge in what I should be doing, in feeling whole and right and feeling direction. The click is never coming, I think.

I wish we didn't lie to our kids. I wish we didn't perpetuate this fantasy that you grow up and things get straight and you're happy and life is hunky-dory. Maybe if we were honest about that fact that life is confusing and scary and there's no way to guarantee anything for certain, crazy type-A people like me won't beat themselves into an emotional pulp for not feeling this fictional emotion they're supposed to be feeling. I wouldn't feel the hum of "you're not perfectly happy yet, you're not figured out yet, YOU BETTER GET MOVING BECAUSE EVERYONE ELSE IS". If the click is indeed a lie, then nobody else is. We're all in this thing together, right? This big mess is all of ours.

And so that's, I think, why I wrote this bizarre, lunatic episode down. If anything, this weird stream-of-consciousness is my hope that everyone else is with me, that everyone else is just as lost or messy as I am. Maybe the click is real, and you're all perfect and fine and together like your Facebook status updates would lead me to believe.*

*Everyone's "MY LIFE IS AMAZING" posts do nothing to alleviate my feeling that I'm failing. Everyone, stop faking it. Seriously, you don't need to try so hard.

But I think - I hope - that the click isn't real. And if you feel that way, and you tell me that, and I know that it's fake, and that this sudden feeling of certainty and security and tranquility that I'm waiting for isn't coming... than maybe I can stop worrying about it. I can stop feeling bad that I don't have it, because maybe it's an impossible thing to have.

.
.
.


Get back to me, would you? Kthxbai.

Listmania: My Top Ten TV Shows of 2012

Note: this post was amended from its original order

So here's the deal: upon finishing my INCREDIBLY long "Top Ten TV of 2012" list, I found that despite the pleas of many to write about TV, that I should be a TV critic... I don't know that it was as fun. Maybe if I was tearing shows apart it'd be, but to say nice things, well - I don't feel like I said anything particularly original. AND I LIKE BEING ORIGINAL. So it was a fun diversion, but I think I'll stick with writing about life and things that BECAUSE MY EGO IS HUGE AND I MUST TALK ABOUT MYSELF CONSTANTLY OR I'LL DIE. But it took me a REALLY long time to write so I'm posting the list, okay?

***

So, guess what errybody? I've decided to try my hand at actually writing about my favorite topic: TV! That's right kiddos, I'm going to take a stab at writing slightly critically* about the thing I love most in the world: my family my friends food. I mean TV. But food is my other favorite, for the record.

*I mean critically as in I'm evaluating like a critic, not as in I'm going to TEAR THESE SHOWS TO SHREDS.

What were we talking about? How I'm really excited for dinner? OH - television! With the year coming to an end, I'm going to go ahead and list my top ten favorite television shows for the year 2012. This proved trickier than I thought - it would be easier to do a top ten list for the regular TV season: September through May. For example, a list of favorites from '11-'12 season would be simpler because it would mean evaluating just a a single season of any given show. Instead, going by the single year 2012 means that I have the end of one season and the beginning of the next, usually. So if a show had a great season last year but the current season's been so-so, it becomes harder to rank, doesn't it? Also it means I have all cable shows - those that air in the winter, spring, summer AND fall to deal with. Oh, seasons. Now listen - I watch a lot of TV. A LOT. So believe me - I was looking at a lot of options, and it was tough to select the shows that made my list. Many great shows are not on this list... I just went with my gut. It's also worth noting that unlike an actual TV critic, I don't actually watch everything, so if you're pissed that Mad Men isn't on the list, sorry, I don't watch it (go ahead, throw your tomatoes, I've heard it all: I'm the worst, how could I call myself a TV fan, etc). Also, everyone knows I have AMAZING TASTE, so trust me when I say these shows are where it's at, okay? Let's begin:

10. Bob's Burgers
"What's Bob's Burgers?" Well my friends, it's the best show airing right now in Fox's forever-running "Animation Domination" Sunday lineup - a lineup that more famously includes Family Guy and The Simpsons*. It's not one of the twelve-hundred - oh, another script was just sold! twelve-hundred and one - shows from Seth MacFarlane, but that's part of what makes it such a breath of fresh air. With South Park being very hit or miss as of late**, Bob's Burgers has become the bastion for animated comedies right now - primarily because of the great character work. The show - about a family and the Burger restaurant they run - did something that seems simple but has proven difficult for many a live-action show: create a cast of funny characters with original points of view, then just let them react to the weekly situation. That's where sitcom comes from: situation comedy.*** Since the characters on Bob's Burgers are so fun and unique, even the simplest premise becomes original. Nowhere else on TV will you get a character like Tina, the monotone-voiced, mild-mannered oldest daughter who secretly writes "erotic friend fiction". Every character is so specific, and voiced excellently; the show collected an array of great comedians and voice actors to fill out the cast, who often record together - most shows have each actor record separately, this show doesn't. Accordingly, the result is great improvised exchanges between characters and comic timing that can't be faked. And the show isn't afraid to get... weird. Bob's Burgers has had some of the most delightfully bizarre musical numbers in my recent memory. And, of course, the show contains one of my current favorite characters on TV: Linda, the delightfully earnest, excitable matriarch with the imitable voice. My roommate and I sing the following to the cats virtually every day:

*I don't know anyone who watches new episodes of The Simpsons. Does anyone? How has that show been running so long? Has anyone EVER said to you, "did you see this week's Simpsons? Oh, you have to!"
**I'll still love South Park forever though. The hits are still hits.
***Sitcom: a classic portmanteau.

9. The Good Wife
There was a time when TGW was my absolute number one favorite show on TV - while we're not quite there right now, there's no denying it's still some of the classiest, smartest-written drama around. And who would've thought that some of the most subtle, nuanced acting, character development, and storytelling would be on CBS? The network of boring old people procedurals and ONLY procedurals. Yet somehow, they also get the ONLY network television show nominated for the best drama Emmy in the last couple years?* You know the other networks must be pissed - like, "they make ONE show that's not about solving murders and it's better than all our shows? What the hell?" But TGW is probably better than any show on air at addressing morality and its grey areas; very rarely is there a right or wrong, only difficult choices that slowly weigh on you. This isn't a show where good will just triumph over evil - it's much more realistic than that, more upsetting. When gross Mike Kresteva (played by Matthew Perry - TGW uses guest stars better than any other show) tells complete fabricated lies about Alicia in the press, she demands Eli counter the lies somehow. But he tells her, rightly so, that nothing she says will matter anymore - the story is out now, and that's the way it is. TGW also features two of my personal favorite performances on television - Julianna Margulies as Alicia and Archie Panjabi as everyone's favorite superhero, Kalinda. Margulies is so good and so consistent - constantly imbuing Alicia with intelligence, strength, and vulnerability - that you can almost forget what an incredible actress she is because the performance seems so natural. She's also evolved the character over the years. And frankly, I would watch Archie Panjabi read the phone book. Kalinda is just so mysterious, so dynamic yet playful, and such a badass that it's no wonder she's already won an Emmy for the part. TGW excels at character and theme - like the end of the season three finale, which beautifully contrasts Alicia and Kalinda both dealing with their pasts. Do you run from it? Do you run back to it? Do you fight? Do you give in? And despite people not loving the way the return of Kalinda's husband story played out (with it apparently now over, it just didn't really seem to have a point or matter all that much), it can't be denied that the visual of Kalinda pulling up a chair and waiting with a loaded gun for the knock of the door was a fantastic scene and an even better cliffhanger. (Clip is queued.)

*The rest are on cable.

8. Suburgatory
Oh, Suburgatory! How you've slowly nestled your way into mi corazón. What started as a solid lead-in to Modern Family has quickly surpassed that show in both laughs and heart. For those uninitiated, the show follows a teenage girl and her father who move from New York City into suburbia, and the cartoonish inhabitants they encounter upon arriving. Jeremy Sisto and Jane Levy are great and bring wonderful wry groundedness to their New York transplants. But of course, the showiest parts on the show belong to the supporting cast. The show's smartest move was assembling the best large ensemble of actors on television - tremendously funny people like Ana Gasteyer, Chris Parnell, Alan Tudyk, and Cheryl Hines, just to name a few. The world of Chatswin (the fictional town) is populated with memorable, vivid characters - right down to the smaller, recurring parts, like Carmen, the maid who learned English almost exclusively by listening to NPR's "All Things Considered". There's no weak link on the show; no boring characters. Everyone you'll meet is funny and engaging. And then, while maintaining the comedy, the show is also constantly telling wonderfully emotional stories. The characters on this show have compelling relationships that can be played for laughs, but can also be incredibly heartwarming. After all, the show is centered around a girl who's never met her mother - when she does finally meet her, it couldn't just be a slapsticky reunion. There's real emotion there, and the entire cast is filled with people who are genuinely great at comedy and at playing those more earnest moments. Cheryl Hines is a perfect example of this - her character, Dallas, is a heightened, ridiculous person, but when the moments are really important - a stolen kiss under the mistletoe, for example - she tugs at your heartstrings with the best of them. And of course, we must be thankful to Suburgatory for giving us one of TV's best creations: Dalia Royce, the spoiled, blonde queen bee of Chatswin High with a delivery so dry it would make the sahara thirsty. Take a look at a classic Dalia speech:

7. Homeland

I don't really know what I could possibly write about this show that hasn't already been said, given that the internet is always discussing it... but I'll do my best. If you haven't seen the show, you've heard of or about it, possibly that it won a bunch of Emmys this year. Well, the Emmys were deserved, kids. Homeland is the real deal. The current season may not be over, but I've seen enough to know the show belongs in my top ten list for sure. I can't say too much about the show without spoiling it for those who would like to watch it, but basically, it's Claire Danes at the CIA hunting terrorists. That incredibly simplistic explanation doesn't even begin to convey the intensity of the show, the twisty, dangerous game that it is. And while Homeland's plot is incredible at zigging where you thought it would zag, the plot isn't even the main reason the show is so captivating: it's the character work, the psychological zigging and zagging that's truly extraordinary. Everything everyone's said about Claire Danes? It's true. It isn't hyperbole: she is amazing. A raw, truly transcendent performance - it's watching a master of the craft at work. I didn't really know there was still acting like that going on in our generation, but it's there. Damian Lewis is no slouch either - a pivotal, extended scene this season just between the two of them made me go, "gees, I don't know why I ever thought I could be an actor, I could never do that". Frankly, I know that Oscars are for movies and not TV, but they should give Danes all the Oscars for this one. This year, I think they should open up the envelope for Best Actress at the Academy Awards and read, "Claire Danes, Homeland", because her work is unparalleled. (Spoilers in clip, obviously)

6. 30 Rock

30 Rock has always been one of my favorite shows, and after a couple of wayward seasons (wayward for this show still means solid episodes and hilarious one-liners, just maybe not as consistently many as before) the show is ending on a high. Liz Lemon is my hero, and Tina Fey is a genius, original, weird woman who has stolen my heart. Hyperbole? Nah. I identify with Liz, I root for Liz... not to mention that week in and week out she does something that is scarily close to home - from seeing all the dark colors in her closet and wondering if she's depressed (which I wrote about) to "Why are my arms so weak? It's like I did that push-up last year for nothing!" - I find myself Lizzing with solidarity. Not only is the show back to being hilarious line-by-line, but the way this final season and a half has really come back to what Liz wants from life and her happiness is really lovely. From the episode last season where Liz rediscovered her desire to have kids to the wonderful wedding episode this year, I keep watching 30 Rock and being genuinely moved and happy for Liz. And that's happening in the same year as the episode where Liz became The Joker and tried to destroy New York City. The show is still as bizarre and oddball and has it's uniquely wacky worldview while also bringing some warm fuzzies for this final season. What more could you want? Liz's wedding is really a perfect manifestation of what the show is - a genuinely happy, emotional moment (Tina Fey's performance as she panics in the courthouse really got me) and then bride is dressed as Princess Leia with bling for a wedding ring and surrounded by homeless people. I will miss this show when it's gone, and I will miss Liz Lemon most of a all - but I've got a feeling she's gonna be just fine as she goes off into the sunset.

5. Happy Endings
If Happy Endings gets cancelled because you jerks aren't watching it, I'm going to be very upset with all of you. I mean it. Anyway, this comedy - about six friends living in Chicago - quickly became my favorite sitcom of the '11-'12 season. Why? IT BRINGS ME JOY. Why else? The writing is pretty on point. The dialogue and the jokes come lightning quick, with brilliantly weird, funny lines tossed away constantly - this makes the episodes great for re-watching, to pick up the things you missed the first go-around. And there's lots of wonderful, off-kilter pop culture references, which - shocker! - I love.*
The cast is great, particularly Adam Pally as Max - with his odd Chicagoish accent and comically intense commitment - and Casey Wilson as the perpetually unlucky Penny. I barely noticed her on SNL, but she's amahzing here. Seriously, her line deliveries are unbelievable. It's that thing of when** great writing meets an incredible performer and they're just a perfect fit for each other. Genuinely, there were moments during season two where I was like, "she's our new Lucy". She makes the tiniest moments exponentially funnier. While season three hasn't been as great so far - pairing Dave and Alex isn't quite leading to comedy gold - but I remember how in the middle of the second season, I couldn't wait for each new episode because each one was a total gem, just hilarious week after week. There was a long stretch of episodes where the show could do no wrong. Remembering my own excitement for each new installment is enough to buoy the show pretty high on my list. Please enjoy one of Penny's choicest lines below.

*Example-
Penny: "It was 2002, it was such a crazy time - we were all still reeling from the events surrounding the film Vanilla Sky." 
Alex: "I'm tired of people using Vanilla Sky as an excuse for everything!"
**Insert your favorite Stefon quote here.

4. Southland
I always describe Southland as "the best show you're not watching". It's true - it's deftly written and filmed and has some of the best slow-burn acting of any series in my memory. If I could describe the show in one word, it would be raw. Here's the backstory on Southland: the show - about the police force in Los Angeles - started on NBC with a really short season of seven episodes. Then NBC ordered the disaster that was The Jay Leno Show for primetime and cancelled everything that aired in the 10 PM hour. Poor Southland didn't stand a chance... until TNT picked up the show, airing season one and the unaired NBC-made season two. Without NBC breathing down their necks, the show blossomed from being a very good, solid cop drama into a tour-de-force. Gritty, dark, and made with a realism that no other show possesses, the show seems to really accurately reflect the life of a patrol cop. It's in the way it's filmed - as if you're on the ground with the LAPD. And it's not just shootouts and high drama - stories aren't wrapped up with a pretty bow. The show captures the little moments for a beat cop - like the dark humor of like an assholey guy flagging you down for an emergency and saying he needs a ride to work. From a domestic battery to a disturbing the peace call, these cops deal with it all. But it's not a procedural - there aren't cases of the week, and these characters are incredibly deep. Week after the week, the show examines the compromises made on the job, how it wears on the soul. These people are wounded. John Cooper, played with deep weariness and unwavering intensity by Michael Cudlitz, is one of the most complicated people on television. It's Emmy-level work - not that the Emmys notice shows like this. And Regina King is excellent. She's able to convey so much with just her eyes, which is on this show is key; the show doesn't have characters delivering exposition about feelings - what you get instead is great actors and subtext. And this season featured a searing performance from Lucy Liu - so incredible in her arc that she won the Television Critic's Award for best guest star. Of course, the Emmys didn't even nominate her - but Emmys or no Emmys, Southland is still one of the best shows on television.

3. Game of Thrones
Is there a show more epic or on a grander scale than Game of Thrones right now? Lordy, methinks not. The show has so many fascinating characters, so many exotic locales, and so much story left to tell. If you think I'm not down for the ride, you'd be mistaken. It's definitely the most sumptuous show on TV with its exquisite locations and sets. For several weeks I got to watch new episodes in a friend's home theater, and damn me if the show didn't look even more magnificent and expansive on a massive screen. The characters are dynamic, the actors incredibly versatile and game... and the plot is a roller coaster. This show deals with the highest of stakes, and waiting in between episodes is incredibly painful. Not to mention that there's only ten episodes in a season - so every single immaculately-produced episode is like a rare find, a treat to be savored before they're all gone. Getting a new episode of Game of Thrones is more exciting than running downstairs to open presents on Hanukkah morning. The joy of having a universe so large is that with that many characters, everyone can have so many favorites - the downside, of course, being that sometimes episodes don't deal with your favorites.* But it's the deal you make when you agree to immerse yourself in Game of Thrones, and it's well worth it. How many shows on TV are this electrically exciting? It's like nothing else out there. In this clip, my homegirl Khaleesi lays down the law.** (Clip is queued.)

*Is Jon Snow the most boring, dour drag on an otherwise amazing show or what? What am I missing?
**Could someone make a TV shirt that says 'Khaleesi is my Homegirl'? Thanks.


2. Girls
Girls emerged last season with so much hype and scrutiny, I wasn't sure I could form my own opinion on it without shutting out the deluge of comments, praise, and criticism lobbed at the show at every turn. I watched the first episode - I thought it was fine, an occasional funny moment. Then came the second episode - when I started thinking intellectually, "wow, this is really smart and funny". Finally, episode three. My brain started to click with the show, but with that episode, my heart did. I fell in love with it. So funny, so brutally honest, and with such a distinctly original voice, Girls hooked me. Lena Dunham has so much hatred directed towards her, but I judge her on her work alone - and the show is excellent. Her writing is funny, but is always revealing something or saying something more at the same time as it's making you laugh (or as is often the case in the show, making you CRINGE). Not to mention she also happens to be an excellent actress - boy, some people get all the luck, huh? People say the show is about selfish people as if the show isn't aware of that fact - it clearly knows how flawed its protagonists are. And Dunham's voice is just ever so left-of-center - relatable enough that everyone watching is going, "Oh my god, [character] is JUST like [real-life person]! This situation is exactly like what happened to me!" but weird enough that the show is usually also pointing out something new or hilarious. I haven't had this much anticipation for a second season of any show since Veronica Mars. For the clip, I thought about finding something shorter - but instead simply decided to go with hilarious story in episode three that made me a believer. In them, Hannah meets her ex-boyfriend for a drink, and things do not go as planned, to say the least. The hysterical left-turns in this conversation could give you whiplash...

  1. Parenthood

I'm not crying. I'm not crying. I'm not crying. If you watch Parenthood, these words might be familiar to you. They are a mantra that we who watch Parenthood need to practice and live with... because every single week the show hits you right in the heart. The show is about small stories, day-to-day life, which is maybe why it isn't exactly a monster in the ratings... but I assure you, if you're passing on Parenthood, you're missing out. There's something to be said for looking at life's little moments. It's a show that benefits from watching episode after episode, because the more you know the characters, the more meaningful all the little things become. Parenthood is incredibly consistent - top to bottom, the acting, writing, and directing are always impeccable and tonally sound. Everyone in the cast is excellent. If I can take a moment and single one person out (I can!), I must say that Monica Potter is exceptional. Incredible. Remarkable in every way (and I was saying that she was the one to watch way back in season two before she had her big storyline this year). All the characters are familiar yet distinct; the Bravermans are so real that they're often frustrating - they make bad decisions and have personality traits that irritate you - just like your actual family, just like real life. It makes the show such a fertile topic for discussion, because you feel like you're talking about people you know - "Sarah is DRIVING ME NUTS". And just like real life, you like some family members better than others. That's why it's great that the show has a large ensemble of characters to follow. And I know I often see my family and moments similar to my life in the show... I remember one specific scene, where Kristina, longingly desperate for Haddie to not be upset with her, insists they paint her room together - and I thought, "that's my mother". The show feels like home. And that's why it's my number one. And oh yeah, did I mention I cry pretty much every week?

And now, a scene that made me cry. SPOILERS ahead.

Shameless Sweeps-Month Ratings Stunts

I received very kind reactions to my season premiere last week, from acquaintances both expected and un. Somehow even my mother managed to discover it, which should frighten any reasonable person as to how scary the information age is. She has no Facebook, can only figure out the internet in so far as to do online shopping, and often forgets what she's talking about in mid-sentence, yet even she somehow got ahold of my posting. No matter, I shall press on as if I'm speaking only to my contemporaries.

Those contemporaries had one comment that I kept hearing over and over - "Who are you again?" Or maybe it was, "You can't write just a couple of times a month!". I'm not sure which - definitely one of the two. So have no fear friends, I will now be writing just once a month! Bye! See you in September!

***

Okay, so I'm pretty sure they meant I should be writing more than a couple times a month. But here's the thing nobody seems to realize: writing is work. I wrote that whole thing myself. Straight out of my brain. I had to think of all that stuff, and it took effort. Effort is not something I'm overly acquainted with - sitting: yes, eating: definitely yes, effort: um... rain check? 

But honestly, more than that - I'm truly afraid I won't have anything to write about. My life is at its all-time most boring. Let's take a look at a roughly guesstimated version of my schedule from yesterday:

• 12:00 PM: Wake up. Check Facebook/E-mail/Twitter. 
• 12:30 PM: Go allllll the way downstairs to make a tuna sandwich for lunch.
• 12:35 PM: Bring tuna to my bed so I can eat it while I continue my Arrested Development marathon.
• 3:00 PM: Conclude Arrested Development season one, begin Arrested Development season one DVD commentaries.
• 4:00 PM: Conclude commentaries, take dog for walk.
• 4:30 PM: Conclude dog walking, go for run.
• 4:45 PM: Conclude run. What a workout. 
• 5:00 PM: Shower, then begin Arrested Development season two.
• 6:30 PM: Eat hot dog with jalapeño mustard for dinner. While watching Arrested Development.
• 8:00 PM: Sit down to watch True Blood with a piece of pie.
• 9:00 PM: Cut myself another slice of pie to eat during Breaking Bad. Decide, if someone asks, to say I only had one piece and that someone else must have cut another. 
• 10:00 PM: Watch The Newsroom. Ugh.
• 11:00 PM: Feel guilty about the pie, begin doing sit-ups.
• 11:02 PM: Conclude sit-ups. 
• 11:03 PM: Return to bed to continue watching Arrested Development season two, occasionally interspersed with interviews of Julianna Margulies on YouTube.
• 2:30ish PM: I fall asleep. I dream of a massive outdoor multi-floor rave, where thousands of young people are dancing and partying. In the center of the ground floor is a circular stage, where a school performance of Macbeth -starring my friend Michelle as a witch - is taking place. They conclude their matinee and ready themselves for their next show. I excuse myself from my friends on our scaffolding and wander down a couple flights to the stage. For some reason, I am dressed as a scarecrow. As the show is about to start, the actors gather around the stage. The lion is there. The tin man is there. The scarecrow is late! I want to go on instead of him. I know it's wrong, but I really want to be on that stage. I want to play. The tin man and lion, mistaking me for someone who goes to the school, tell me to jump in and be the scarecrow. I'm secretly thrilled that they don't know I don't belong, but to cover my bases, I say, "are you sure?" non-chalantly, as if I don't care either way if I go on. But they say it's fine. We all get on stage and take our places, and I hurriedly text my friend Jenna to come down to the stage because I'm going to be in the show! Only then do I remember Michelle is in the play - she'll see me! She knows I'm not supposed to be here! The lights come up on the actors and I catch Michelle's eye. She looks at me with an expression I've seen from her many times in life: a glare of annoyance - made all the scarier by her witch costume - but with a slight smile; she finds me funny and she can't help it. Most importantly, she can't say a word, because she's too committed of an actress to stop the show. My triumph is rendered suddenly useless when I remember I don't know any of the lines. I had watched the matinee, so I think as hard as I can, trying to remember the words the scarecrow had. I sing along to the first song, surprising myself by being in harmony with the tin man and lion. I fake my way through and fortunately I get to exit the scene fairly early, and I begin running underneath the stage, through the bowels of the industrial complex, desperately seeking Susan. And by Susan, I mean the actual person playing the scarecrow because I DON'T KNOW THE LINES. Lots of very young theatre crew members are hammering steel and hot metals, there's fire everywhere. I stop to wonder if they would consider themselves blacksmiths. I ask a pretty girl if she knows where the scarecrow is. She points me towards the costume shop. I see him in a room, distraught at having his part stolen. He sees me and lunges at me, screaming and slamming me into the wall. I plead with him that I'm just here to give him his costume back, I only went on because he was late, I swear. He does admit that he was late, and rather than continuing to fight with me, decides to bury the hatchet and rush to make his next entrance.

Have you found the problem yet?* I'll spell it out for you: the most interesting parts of my day take place when I'm asleep. I'm scared I won't have anything to write about because my life is SO DULL. If you skipped over that schedule and don't believe me, take a closer look. DULL. For heaven's sake, I woke up at noon. How can I write often when my life is so unendingly trivial? Sure, I've got a 13-episode order, but at this rate there's no way we'll get the back nine! (For those of you not versed in TV lingo, all you need to know is that I'm on the brink of cancellation.)

*Hint: what part of my day is most likely to be optioned into a screenplay?

I've come up with a plan. I've come up with three separate scenarios that will make my life infinitely more exciting to read about and really spice things up. They will definitely give me more to write about, and surely boost our ratings to at least a three share in the 18-49 demographic. But enough industry-speak, let's unveil these ratings grabs!

     1. Implement a Voting System

Pros: American Idol is still the highest rated show on TV. Why? People love to call in and vote; to have a say. So perhaps I can find more things to write about by posting daily choices, then reporting back on which choice America made for me! 

Cons: If you think I'm naive enough to trust the psychos and perverts out there on the internet to make my choices for me, you're sadly mistaken. I do have some shame.

TO VOTE FOR SCENARIO #1, CALL 1-888-IDOLS-01.***

     2. Go into Witness Protection

Pros: Talk about high-octane drama! This option would give me tons of action and adventure to describe. Writer's block would be a thing of the past. Also, being in danger instantly makes my writing more meaningful, obviously. Even better, I could be murdered by the mob or something, and then become insanely popular post-mortem, like all great artists**. My martyrdom would surely make my number of twitter followers sky-rocket!

Cons: As much as I enjoy my art**, I'm not sure I'm actually willing to die for it. Just something to consider. Also, does anyone know where I can witness a crime?

TO VOTE FOR SCENARIO #2, CALL 1-888-IDOLS-02.***

     3. Start Turning Tricks

Pros: Sex sells. The dark and twisted dealings of a sad, lonely ho just trying to survive on the streets would surely give me many gripping stories to tell, full of deeply intense pathos. I'd never want for inspiration again! The real-life writings of a call boy... it'd be like a real-life Lifetime movie - From College to Chlamydia: The RegardingAlex Story. People eat that shit UP. 

Cons: ...what if there's no takers? I ain't the prettiest trick on the block and I know it.

TO VOTE FOR SCENARIO #3, CALL 1-888-IDOLS-03.***

Hopefully one of these things will assuage my "nothing to write about"/"I'm boring" concerns. I'll soon let everyone know how I've decided to alter my life to better entertain you, dear reader. Readers.

**Somewhere, an actual artist wants to stab me.

***Lines remain open for two hours. Local rates apply.