Imbibery in the First Degree

PREVIOUSLY ON BATTLESTAR GALACTICA - "I SHALL COMPLAIN ABOUT BEING JEWISH, AND I VOW TO CONTINUE!" 

Whoops. I had promised myself I'd write every weekend - FOR YOU, MY ADORING FAN(S)* - but I missed last weekend. I think the weight of knowing I had to continue such a leaden topic was leading me to do what I do best. No, not sleep. No, no eat, either. Stop suggesting things, I'm starting to get offended. I was going to say procrastinate - a most noble of pastimes. So, I decided to just write about something else for now. I'll circle back around to the Jewish thing at some point, I promise.**

*Hi, mom. (Also, could you bring me a glass of water next time you come upstairs? I would get it myself, but I'm SUPER comfortable, thanks.)
**"Thank goodness!", said no one.

Despite my self-professed hermit-slash-couch potato life, there was once a time where I saw young people regularly.* Occasionally, we would even go out! Or perhaps someone would have a get together at their apartment. What these last couple sentence are coded-ly saying is that sometimes there was drinking. Gasp!

*The fact that I said "young people" means I'm old now. Where can I get some prune juice? (And if you think this is a hack-y and obvious joke, my grandfather specifically requests we have prune juice in the fridge when he stays with us. It's not a stereotype if it's true.)

This isn't scandalous in the slightest. It's perfectly legal for me to drink. But as discussed elsewhere in this blog, I feel like I'm twelve - so it feels wrong to be drinking. And I don't really even like drinking all that much. Here's my juvenile though somewhat rational reasoning: firstly, alcohol has never tasted all that great to me. Beer is okay, wine is okay, but frankly, I'd just rather have a diet coke because it saves me money, calories, and will actually refresh me, which is what I'm looking for in a beverage.* There are sweet tasty mixed drinks, but I'm not allowed to order those since I'm male and have an ego that bruises like an apple. Secondly, I'm cheap.** I don't like spending money on things I don't enjoy; I just feel bad about it because it feels like a waste. So if it doesn't taste good to me, why should I drop a bunch of cash? The bottom line is I can order a diet coke and get fifteen refills for two dollars.***

*...and a lover. (Okay, that was weird. It seemed funny in my head but the word lover is so dour.)
**I know where you're going with this - don't even think about it.
***Wanna see me indignant? Tell me the restaurant I'm at CHARGES for refills.

So while in my day-to-day life I think of myself as a teetotaler - a word I can spell  just fine but can never say correctly on the first try - there have been times where I indulge in the sauce a bit. If you're surrounded by people who are drinking, sometimes it feels really uncomfortable to not be drinking.* So you do whatcha gotta do! And rare as me drinking is, I have noticed that when the booze is flowing heavily enough, one of four distinct personalities will emerge from within me. I have no control over which one shows up on any given night - it's like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde and Mr. Hyde and Mr. Hyde and Mr. Hyde.

*Hooray for post-adolescent peer pressure!

1. ANDRE
Andre is always really happy to be out or at the party. He wants to dress well, and is really concerned with how his hair looks.* Andre really loves dancing. Like, he really loves dancing. He tries to start dance parties every five minutes, and typically he usually only gets one other person to dance with him. Trying not to be discouraged, he'll act like he's fine with a two-person dance party, but after about a minute and a half he'll run into the kitchen or find the other members of his group and say, "Okayit'snotabigdealbutWHYISNOBODYDANCINGhello?" really really fast with all the words mushed together like that. His attention span is frighteningly short, and he has trouble having coherent conversation.** Andre loves pop music, and upon recognizing the first two seconds of any song will shout "I LOVE THIS SONG!" even if what he really means is "I know this song."***

2. JEREMY
Jeremy is really overly nostalgic and kind of weepy. He never actually cries, but he feels like he's in the mood to cry, so he sort of sits around making himself feel, hoping a moment is going to happen. He purposely makes himself look like he's trying to hide the fact that he's sad, in hopes that someone will ask him if he's ok. Jeremy really wants to have a deep, meaningful, and revealing heart-to-heart with somebody at the party. Jeremy is happy to be around his friends, but thinks they're all going on to greater things and moving on in life without him. I'm pretty sure Jeremy is not fun to have around.

3. SMITH
Smith lives life pretty hardcore. Not really, but Smith doesn't like the idea that he's perceived as boring - he HATES the idea that he's predictable. So he wants to shock or surprise people by doing things you'd never expect. He's a rebel, man! He likes playing games that involve dares because SMITH FREAKING LOVES DARES. Smith loves to prove you wrong by doing something crazy n'wild! He swears more than he needs to, and he occasionally overshares. Smith loves doing shots, which is nuts, and he's super excited to take, like, a double shot without wincing, because it shows how much of a man he is.

4. THOMAS
Thomas is all too aware of how infrequently he drinks, and is nervous that he looks dumb while doing so, or that he's doing it wrong. He wants somebody else to make/order his drinks for him. He has also been known to just assign someone else to be in charge of his drinking for the night - "Should I drink this? I've already had three. I'm nervous. You're in charge of my drinking!" He's really really doesn't want to look like those drunk people that he feels that he's smarter/better/classier than****, and if he veers too close to acting those people he feels like everybody's judging him. At his apartment-warming party, he (and everyone) had a lot to drink and he spent most of the night saying "Are you patronizing me?" repeatedly to his own guests.*****

Pretty embarrassing. I don't want to spend time with any of those weirdos. It takes some of the sting off to talk about them like they're other people, but they're not. These people are me! It makes no sense! Smith loves looking like a real manly man? I hate and resent all that macho crap! Or maybe subconsciously, I don't?

Would now be a good time to mention just how seldom I drink? Truly. I think the last time I had alcohol at all was July, and the last time I was... what's the polite term? Overserved? Was March. So don't worry America, the odds of you running into any of these nutcases are slim to none. Hopefully.

*This is especially odd because anyone who knows me knows I NEVER (ever in the history of everdom) care about what my clothes or hair look like. 
**Direct quote to girl telling the story of her ex: "You know what? You're better off! He's too good for you! NO, I MEAN, REVERSE THAT! I MEANT YOU'RE TOO GOOD FOR HIM"
***Whenever I'm walking down the street in the city and a train passes with its incredible volume, I turn to whoever I'm with and shout "I LOVE THIS SONG!" as a joke, so the first time I noticed that Andre shouts that BUT FOR REAL, I knew I was a moron.
****Ironically, those are people like Andre and Smith.
*****Actual quote spoken by me to my roommate in the middle of that apartment-warming party, a particularly crazy night.

"We threw a theme party! The theme was SHITSHOW."