I'm Unemployed: An Explanation

I’m unemployed. Accordingly, money has become a source of anxiety for me. Spending any of it anywhere gives me serious Jewish guilt*, so taking a dog or house-sitting gig from a wealthy family in the hills is something I don’t turn down.

*Though in money's defense, so does everything else - this is how Jewish guilt works, you see.

I explain this to set the scene for you – me, alone, in a ridiculously spacious manse, which itself is alone on five acres of land with no neighbors in sight. It’s pretty lonely, and frankly, a little creepy. I keep envisioning a horrific home invasion in the middle of nowhere - masked men smashing in through the windows and holding me and the dogs at gunpoint - where my screams fall on no ears. (Other than, of course, the ears of my tormentors, who do not call 911.) So to keep myself occupied, I turn on the impressively large television and begin scouring OnDemand for something to fill my time between letting the dogs in and out of the house.

To make a long story short (too late!), as I sat alone, eating mint brownies and actually welling up with emotion at an episode of MTV’s True Life**, I thought to myself, “I think I might have hit a low.”

**HE NEEDED THAT BONE MARROW TRANSPLANT. WHAT AM I, MADE OF STONE?

I needed to get that creative part of my brain working. I wanted to produce something - a something that came entirely from my brain - on a semi-regular basis. It could only be healthy, I figured.

“Booooo”, says you. “A recent college graduate starting a blog?”

“….yes.” Says I.

“Booooo! How cliché and obvious!” Says you.

“…Yuh-huh.” Says I.

Full disclosure: this wasn’t entirely my idea - the seed had been planted by my friend Peter a mere week ago. He demanded to know why I wasn’t writing about television for a magazine or newspaper. Putting aside the fact that his suggestion was made under his false pretense that my dream career is being a TV critic, I went ahead and said to him, “well, um, because they’re not just hiring random people to do that, that I know of.” “Why don’t you just start a blog! You know so much about TV, I don’t know anyone who knows as much about TV as you do! You should write reviews! Then someone will see it and then you’ll get a job!” I told him I felt this was silly, as nobody would be reading it, and therefore, what was the point? He scoffed at this line of thinking. He scoffs at most lines of thinking.

So while this won’t be a TV blog, I just wanted to give myself motivation to do something regularly. I’m going to try to write a couple times a month, for now. It may be about anything – I have no concrete plans – a funny story, something that happened to me that day, my random dabblings in the arts (acting, writing, trapeze)***, or perhaps my recent trip to Israel****. It may be about what TV I’m watching, my oh-so-witty observations about life (button-fly pants: stupid), or my affinity for making awesome portmanteaus (like this gem - exploring alone = lonesplorin'; free of charge, you're welcome).  It may even be about the big questions that seem particularly recurrent for me, such as, “how do I figure out what I want to do with my life?” or, “why can't I make decisions like an adult the way everyone else does?” or, “why am I not watching this in HD?”

“Musing on being directionless after college?” Says you. “How original!”

“…are you being sarcastic?” Says I.

“Uh…. yeah. Sorry, I thought that was clear, my bad.” Says you.

So hello internet, it is I! You may be endless, but I have no carved out one tiny little corner where I and I alone am in control! The power! You guys, it’s so true - power totally corrupts. Since I first started typing this I’ve already driven left out of a right-turn only exit, walked my dog without a leash, and jaywalked twice. Who knows what I’ll do next?

“You are the worst. You think what you have to say is so important that it just NEEDS to be read, huh?” Says you.

“No, I’m not like everyone else! I swear!” Says I.

“Really, how so?” Says you.

“I don’t think I’m at all important! In fact, I think I’m super lame! Honestly!” Says I.

“Oh.” Says you. “Well then this is just kind of sad, actually.”

“Wait, come back! Please come back!” Says I.

One last thing - the title of this post is "I'm Unemployed: An Explanation". You may have thought this was going to be an explanation as to why I'm unemployed. But no no no - unemployment is the explanation for the blog.

The unemployment? For that, I have no explanation.

***One of these is a joke. 
****......Jewish.